Angel in My Life: Changing

By: Loolwa Khazzoom, Founder, Dancing with Pain

April 5th, 2009 • Living with Chronic PainPrint Print

This post is a continuation of “Angel in My Life: Resolving.

I do not go to a place of anger or defensiveness. I keep my heart open yet also express my feelings and hold Allen accountable for his actions. I invite Allen to nurture our sacred connection yet am not attached to the outcome.

I drive to the health food co-op and buy a card: Outside, it is a painting of a girl on a bike, her legs flung out in carefree fashion. She is riding down a path in a pastural setting – rolling hills, sheep, flowers, a dog by her side, just the right amount of clouds in the sky. The sun is shining on the horizon, right above the path ahead.  

March 6, 2009

Dear Allen,

Getting to know you, and spending that rainy day with you, felt magical. I sensed something different and special about you, and I experienced with you an other-worldly kind of connection that left my entire being feeling open. I relate to these kinds of experiences as a gift, as the manifestation of divinity, where two souls touch. I treat these experiences, and the people I share them with, as being sacred.  And when people are interested in maintaining these connections, I whole-heartedly dedicate time and attention to developing the relationships.

While I was up north, the messages I received from you very strongly and clearly validated that our feelings were mutual.  Among other things, you told me that you never felt so connected to anyone in your life.  In addition, after we parted, I received from you several messages that encouraged the development of our connection.  You said that you were smiling a lot from thinking about me, that something about me felt “so right,” that you missed me.

And yet, you were inconsistent in communicating with me.  I became confused about what was going on with you, especially when I didn’t hear back after responding to your text over one week ago. When I planned on coming up north this weekend, to take care of my mom, I looked forward to the chance to see you again and talk. I hoped to clarify what you were feeling.

I was surprised by your behavior today, which repeatedly felt hurtful and disrespectful — not only to me, but to the sacred, intimate connection we shared and to the beautiful feelings you expressed. A few weeks ago, you were warm, loving, and open. I wonder what motivated you to suddenly withdraw and act heartless and cold.

If you want to talk, I’ll be at the hotel until Sunday, in [room #], or you can email me sometime down the line, at [email address]. If not, I thank you for the healing and learning I experienced from knowing you, and I send you blessings on your path.

With love and light,

I look for Allen over the next two days, but he is not at work. I leave the card with the receptionist who saw Allen and me leave together a few weeks earlier. I figure she knows there is some kind of relationship between him and me, and that she is therefore more likely to get the card to him. Maybe it is the opposite, who knows. Either way, I do not hear from Allen again.

Although I feel disappointed, I recognize that my experience with Allen is ultimately not about us. It is about me. Allen has been an angel in my life, serving as a mirror for my insecurities and stuck places, catalyzing tremendous spiritual growth and transformation inside of me. The nourishing, loving energy he has shared with me is now a deep part of me. And I have only begun to experience the impact.

The story continues with “Angel in My Life: Learning.

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