This post is a continuation of “Angel in My Life: Opening.”
I am on the phone with Frani again, wondering if the fact that Allen still has not called means that the energy and connection I felt with him were not real. “There is nothing more real in this life than energy and that feeling of connection,” she says. “The energetic knowing is what’s true. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with him now. That connection was real and is yours to keep.”
I am on the phone with my friend Alexis, hours before flying up north. I am nervous. “You always get scared before doing something big,” she reminds me, “but as soon as you go into it, you’re fine.” “But am I an idiot for making myself vulnerable and pursuing this connection?” I wonder out loud. “I mean, he hasn’t contacted me for over a week. Why do I still care? Why not shut him out?”
“Because you go after things with your full heart,” she says. “That’s who you are, and it’s beautiful…I love how you are pursuing this relationship, even though it’s completely inappropriate. You’re in different cities, from different religious backgrounds, different age groups, different income and education brackets. And yet you feel something is right, and you’re going after it. That’s amazing.”
I arrive at the hotel grounded and confident, with my heart deliciously open. I feel in alignment with the greater power of the universe and the other-worldly connection I experienced with Allen. Those transcendent forces are my focal points and guides.
I get excited just seeing the café from the outside, feeling Allen’s presence on these grounds. I can’t wait until the morning. My fears and insecurities are gone. I am dedicated to a practice of staying open and present, in a heart-centered space, acting and behaving from a place of love, light, and healing. I can’t wait to embrace Allen with open arms.
I wake up the next morning, feeling sick from nervousness. I have not felt this way for years and years. In fact, I don’t know if I have felt this nervous since the first time I called a boy I liked, back in high school. I wonder why I am so nervous. I figure it’s because I’m on my spiritual edge, trying out new behavior. Maybe it’s also because there is truly something different and mystical about my energetic connection with Allen. Maybe it’s all intertwined.
I listen a few times to the “Move It” track on the “Meditation 24/7″ CD by Camille Maurine and Lorin Roche. The last part feels the most powerful and relevant:
Become aware of the situation you are walking toward, your next activity. What are you walking into? What kind of attention will be required? What aspect of you is going to be called forth? What do you consciously want to embody?
Breathe with the quality of awareness you want to establish: confidence, precision, patience, enthusiasm, courage, caring, support, trust. Allow that tone to come into your motion now, feel it flowing through your whole body. Imagine radiating that quality to others as well.
Walk in the world with that sense of yourself, full of vitality, clarity, and strength. Walk into your life with an open heart and mind. See with fresh eyes; and here with new ears; speak with a newfound voice.
After several rounds, I feel powerful, grounded, present, and full of light and love – a woman on a spiritual mission. I take my hotel key and go downstairs. My plan is to head to the restaurant for breakfast and look for Allen as I pass the café.
The story continues with “Angel in My Life: Encountering.“