Angel in My Life: Processing

By: Loolwa Khazzoom, Founder, Dancing with Pain

March 29th, 2009 • Living with Chronic PainPrint Print

This post is a continuation of  ”Angel in My Life: Texting

My advisory pool grows as it gets closer to my departure date. I am trying to change my response pattern and behavior — trying to recognize that Allen’s withdrawal is a reflection of something going on with him, not a reflection on me or the authenticity of our connection.

A friend considers Allen’s silence in terms of her own behavior in her 20s, when she disappeared without communicating. “But I don’t think it’s an age issue,” I reply. “I was very engaged and communicative in my 20s.” “Not everyone is you,” she says.”You’re different. You can’t evaluate other people’s behaviors based on what you would do.”

I have no idea what’s going on with Allen, she concludes, so I cannot project meaning onto his behavior. But how do I respond to it?

A woman from a spiritual program I’m in tells me to push Allen out of my mind and go back to where I was before meeting him. “It’s an obsession waiting to happen,” she says. I don’t want to go back to where I was. Doing so feels like voluntarily crawling into a small, dark space.

Another gal from the program — who happens to be in a push-pull relationship with a man 15 years older  – encourages my exploration of new behaviors. “The program is about changing your thinking and way of doing things,” she says. Whatever happens, she suggests, I will learn and grow in new ways. So just be present, in the moment.

But in situations like these, I don’t particularly trust my response in the moment. I have a habit of getting scared and defensive, acting like I don’t care, putting up walls that ultimately don’t serve me.

Story continues with “Angel in My Life: Opening.”

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