A couple of months ago, I posted the first in a series of medical negligence stories from my life. As I mentioned at the time, I have found that it’s extremely difficult to write about these experiences, because I still suffer from their impact on my body. So I decided to jump-start the process by sharing the letters I have written to doctors following such incidents.

Here is the the third and final letter I wrote about the wart removal from hell. I still am experiencing a number of the problems mentioned below, though not as severely; I still can’t wear contact lenses; and I am still shelling out money for weekly bodywork sessions, to keep the pain levels down.

It’s amazing how one stupid move on the part of one person can cause a long-term, chain reaction of distress and challenge in our lives.

March 13, 2008

Dear Dr. C,

I am writing to update you on what’s been going on with my eye.

Shortly after writing to you at the end of January, I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist. While waiting for that appointment, I went to my mother’s optometrist — who is known for catching things that other doctors have overlooked.

This optometrist examined my eye, informed me that it was swollen (as opposed to my left eye, which was normal), and advised me to use Opcon-A drops in my right eye, as well as continue with the other regimens I had started.

Prior to going to my mother’s optometrist, I was in a lot of pain in my right eye. Shortly after beginning treatment with Opcon-A, however, my eye began feeling much better. I used the drops for about a week and began meditating to reduce the pain, both of which helped.

The next week, I went to the ophthalmologist, who gave me a full exam — including dilating my eyes. (The previous ophthalmologist had not given me a full exam.) This ophthalmologist said that my cornea was fine but that the white part of my right eye was irritated (as opposed to my left eye, which was normal).

While my right eye had felt much better prior to this exam, it was in a lot of pain in the days following. So I went back to my mother’s optometrist, who explained that dilation can cause that reaction. He examined my right eye again and said that while the swelling had gone down, my eye was still swollen. He told me to start up again with the Opcon-A drops.

I tried, but at that point, taking the drops caused more pain than not taking them. So I stuck with the compresses and mind-body techniques. Despite my best efforts to reduce the pain, however, I began having pain not only in my right eye, but in the area around it — i.e., the onset of headaches, with the locus of pain in the upper right side of my head. These headaches have been so intense at times that I have had to stop working and lie down with an ice pack on my head.

These headaches also have made it difficult for me to tolerate noises. For example, while I am having the headaches, I cannot speak on the phone with my best friend as her baby cries in the background, and I have to ask people to speak quietly when talking to me.

For a period of about a week or two, I also experienced intense pain in my right ear. During that time, I could not talk while holding the phone receiver on the right side of my head (which is my regular habit), because it hurt too much. Fortunately, that sensation subsided, though my right ear still does not feel back to normal. Even today, I often have to hold the receiver a little bit away from my right ear, so that I don’t feel pain.

About a week ago, I began taking the Opcon-A drops again. Doing so has significantly reduced the pain but has not made it go away.

It has been over two months since the incident with the liquid nitrogen. Since that moment, I have had a litany of issues with my right eye and the surrounding area — which in turn has caused a chain reaction of problems in my life:

1. For starters, I have become hypersensitive to light. This hypersensitivity in turn has made it difficult for me to work on my computer — which, considering that I am a professional writer, has serious consequences for my ability to work.

This hypersensitivity also has made it challenging, and potentially dangerous, for me to drive at night, as I often have gotten a shot of pain in my right eye from the headlight glare. There are numerous other, very basic, ways that this hypersensitivity has made it uncomfortable for me to function. For example, I am still experiencing on-and-off difficulty looking at people and objects, especially when they are right in front of me.

2. As I mentioned above, I also have had to deal with pain in my eye and the area surrounding it, in the onset of headaches — which in turn has had its own set of consequences.

3. I have shelled out hundreds of dollars for doctor appointments, body work appointments, pharmaceutical medications, and supplements, in the interest of healing my eye. I also have lost a significant number of hours of work time, so as attend appointments, pick up treatments, or just lie down because I’m in too much pain.

4. I have not been able to wear contact lenses for two months. While this is certainly the least of my concerns, it nonetheless has had an impact on my appearance, and therefore, on my ability to feel at my best.

At this point, I believe that alternative healthcare is the only thing that will help me recover fully. Clearly, my nervous system was triggered and is now out of balance. Acupressure, acupuncture, and the like specialize in restoring that balance. I neither have the funds to cover this expense, as it is uninsured, nor do I feel that I should be the one holding this financial burden, given the circumstances that caused this condition.

While I have no interest in suing for damages, I do feel it is only fair for you to cover the costs associated with my recovery. I assume you have an insurance policy to assist in situations like this. Please put me in contact with your representative.

Sincerely,

Loolwa Khazzoom

Share with others:

I’m grateful that there are many diagnostic tests available, because information about my unique structure is helpful in figuring out a therapeutic approach.

That said, sometimes I have found that in the interest of obtaining the right diagnosis, doctors want me to do many invasive tests and exams. When I go to take those tests, the examiners are often efficient. They may not, however, have time or insight to be aware of my feelings, when my normal personal boundaries are crossed for the sake of the tests.

Because of my past abuse history, including being injured by health professionals, I check in with myself, rather than automatically agree to every test or procedure right away. I listen to my doctors’ suggestions and ask questions about the tests, to find out how urgent or helpful they are.

I also take into consideration my situation and stress levels when I schedule tests. I may postpone tests a month or two if possible, because I know that the tests themselves are stressful.

I don’t believe in ignoring symptoms or avoiding diagnostic tests, to evade difficult health decisions. It is important to me to love myself enough to care for my health. It can be a serious mistake to avoid an important test. But knowing that tests can feel traumatic, I do my best to schedule them at a pace that feels manageable for me.

Anasuya Batliner, NC, Dipl. ABT, CST, helps people with chronic musculo-skeletal pain, depression, and hormonal imbalances reduce aches, eliminate mood swings, and ease discomforts of PMS and menopause. To assist each person on their unique pathway to a better relationship with their body, Anasuya uses holistic nutrition and therapeutic bodywork. She finds that clients make significant progress in their health when they learn to give their body what it needs. She is a compassionate practitioner, seeking to connect with the essential goodness of each person, and committed to enhancing the body’s innate healing power.

Share with others:

A couple of days ago, I was sitting in the jacuzzi at my gym, when a woman on the other side crossed over and was about to walk into me. “Look out,” I said, “You’re about to walk into me.”

The woman paused, looked at me, and proceeded on her collision course. What. The fuck. I curled up into a ball and scooted sideways, to avoid getting banged into. That in itself caused pain in my shoulder and knee.

It was a no-win situation. Once someone takes it upon herself or himself to be careless with my body space, all I can do is damage control. I’m proud of myself that I used my voice, though — instead of going mute, in a stupor of disbelief, as has happened before. I hope there is not a next time, but if there is, I plan on causing a commotion.

Share with others:

With my move looming ahead, it feels like the month before Passover in my kitchen, and then some. Instead of getting rid of leavened products only, I am racing to finish off everything. I refuse to stick jars of spaghetti sauce, packets of shredded coconut, and cans of kidney beans into a U-Haul truck.

In raking through my cupboards, I have come to realize that I have bags and bags of nuts: walnuts, Brazil nuts, pistachios, Macadamia nuts, and cashews, not to mention whatever is lurking above and beyond my reach at this time. I kept buying nuts, because they are a fast food that is easy to tote around, an amazing source of protein, and in most cases, an equally amazing anti-inflammatory nutrient.

But they are also, in my opinion, not terribly exciting on their own, and too clunky to use in most of my recipes. Pressured to use them, and fast, I realized that if I grind them up (in a wrist-friendly contraption), they can go with pretty much everything - stir fries, steamed vegetables, salads, soups, you name it.

That realization in turn has left me eating a lot more healthy these days. In search of a quick protein, I used to turn to cheese — a great source of calcium and protein, yes, but dubious with regards to its impact on the body. In my case, milk products leave me craving lots of food, which in turn leaves me imbalanced in my eating habits.

I need to eat protein every four hours, or my energy crashes, and I end up fatigued — since my body is using up energy 24/7, fighting pain. By adding ground nuts to fresh vegetables, I can have a simple salad, without worrying about adding another dish to get that all-important protein hit.

Yay nuts!

Share with others:

There are people who believe that our thoughts create our reality. I find that belief to be both simplistic and immature — stemming from a desire to see ourselves as the center of the universe, as having total control over our environments.

I do believe, however, that our perceptions and attitudes dynamically interact, or dance, with the many other forces at play in the universe at any given moment. To that end, I actively have been investigating where I may be getting in the way of my own healing.

This journey began a few years ago, when I realized that my ability to heal was compromised by the anger I held at the various people who had injured me. Through my own inner dive over the next few years, and through external validation from various mind-body medicine practitioners I encountered during that time, I came to believe that there is a profound psychology to natural pain relief: Our entire being must be in alignment with healing, so as to manifest it.

In my case, I have found that there are broken places where I am not in alignment — stemming from many experiences, perhaps most significantly, those that date back to my childhood. (As cliché as that might sound, it’s true.)

I heal emotionally through writing, so I want to work those experiences out of my system by writing about them. There is something about the process — releasing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences to the Universe and to G-d/dess, perhaps also having witnesses — that frees me. So much so that once I have written about a traumatic experience, I completely forget that it happened, until I read my writing years later. And then it seems like a distant dream.

To me, writing is something akin to standing bold and powerful, naked and raw, authentic and true, without shame, regret, or apology. So it makes sense that as an integral part of my healing journey, I would turn to writing a blog post, a magazine article, or some other form of publication to heal my wounds — whether emotional, physical, or some dynamic relationship thereof.

Here’s the dilemma:

How do we navigate writing about trauma, when it’s been at the hands of other people? When we write about friends, doctors, or strangers that have hurt us, we can change their names yet still identify their roles and significance in our lives — “my orthopedist,” “my boyfriend,” “this woman I encountered at a restaurant.”

But what happens when the hurt came from someone in our immediate family? Naming their relationship to us is essential to writing about the dynamic that happened. Violence at the hand of a stranger, for example, is worlds away from violence at the hands of someone we depend on for food, shelter, love, and guidance when we are children.

I recently read an essay that spoke to this dilemma: “I am teetering on a borderline between so many things,” the author wrote, “between honoring the people I write about and disrespecting them, between healing through truth and revealing dirty secrets…”

The dilemma becomes more complicated when the people we need to write about have not done their own healing; when their entire being is invested in the false narratives surrounding their behaviors; and when they have a public image they are trying to protect. So I am left with questions swirling around my head:

If I speak the truth about childhood trauma, will I shatter the life of the person who hurt me? If I don’t speak the truth about, and therefore release, that trauma, will I ever fully heal? When love is defined as protecting a lie, will I be seen as being hateful when I speak truth? Regardless, if I know that writing will help me heal, am I willing to sacrifice my health for someone else’s construct of reality?

Share with others: