I feel conflicted about publishing this particular blog post, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so here I am putting out a call for help. Yesterday the ARC loan, which I was under the impression would most likely be granted to me, was in fact denied, based on a technicality.
The upshot is that at this time, I have maxed out all my credit cards, which I have used for the Dancing with Pain® business launch and my survival during the launch, and I have about six weeks of savings left in my bank account before I hit bottom. What’s more, I have no safety net.
Last year, my mother went through foreclosure and bankruptcy, not to mention a horrible accident that left her with brain damage and inability to work since. She has been unable to make ends meet, never mind offer something to spare. Which all goes to say that if I hit bottom, neither of us will have phone service.
Meanwhile, other family members lost their life savings in the bank crash last year and/or are the kind of people who have not and will not lend a helping hand, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, these individuals will cold-heartedly watch their own flesh and blood hit the streets. Believe it. These kinds of people exist, and I have the distinct pleasure of being related to them and seeing them in action.
It is now 3:00 a.m., and I am at the computer, because I am paralyzed by fear and unable to sleep. It doesn’t help matters that yesterday, I was so beside myself with stress and pressure that I ended up piling on way too many bags, to save a little time in transit, and one of the heavy bags fell and whacked me hard on the wrist.
After months of enjoying typing again, following over two years of wrist and hand pain with varying degrees of severity, I’m back to using voice-activated software (praised be the Lord that it exists and that I have it) and having a hard time with all kinds of motions — from lifting dishes to hyperlinking blog posts.
As those of us in chronic pain know, stress only jacks up our pain levels, in turn setting off a whole cycle where things go from bad to worse. I know I cannot succumb to the stress and fear, or my system will completely shut down and prevent me from functioning at all. And yet, how do I not succumb, given the circumstances?
I am operating at maximum capacity. I have no social life to speak of; I work up to 17 hours a day; and my place has fallen into a state of disarray over the past few days, because I have had neither the energy nor the time to spare to keep the place in its usual tidy state.
I know that I have a unique gift of self-healing and self-advocacy to share with the world, and I am doing everything I can to make that happen. I have all of the pieces in place for this company to fly, and I just need a few months extra time to pull it all together.
Meanwhile, whereas I am highly functional working from home, given all the pain management measures I take, my body would fall apart at a regular job (if I even could pull off functioning at it), so that does not feel like a viable option to fall back on. Never mind this economy. And while I could throw myself 100% into my writing, editors are fickle; payments are often months after the work is done; and paid print media is on its way out; so I don’t want to put more eggs than I already have in that basket.
I really think my best option, both personally and professionally, is not to waste time flailing about in a desperate search for money, but rather, to keep on keeping on. So I am putting this call out into the Universe, making it very clear in black and white: I need help. And I am asking for it. If you believe in the Dancing with Pain® vision, please support me in manifesting it — by offering to volunteer your services or by offering a temporary business loan, to get me through this rough patch. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org .