It’s shocking how one single event can turn one’s life upside down, creating a ripple effect of challenges for months or years to come. Prior to the auditory injury that ousted me from my apartment in Los Angeles, I was living without pain, and I was starting my path back to becoming athletic. I started jogging again, and I took a yoga class for the first time in years, for example.
Then my whole life came crashing down. It’s been half a year, and I am still recovering. Among other things, the constant struggle for survival has shifted my focus from one of calm, centered, internal healing, to one of externally-oriented fear – hustling the next gig, to pay the rent, for example. Then I had an infection that required antibiotics, which caused a severe reaction including cognitive dysfunction, and just as I was recovering from that, my dad got hospitalized with pneumonia.
Since then, it’s been a rocky and emotional road interacting with my dad, whom I had only seen once in 20 years, before seeing him at the hospital. Some things about him are different. Others are exactly the same and just as hurtful, especially as I teach him holistic healing methods, send him healing energy, and otherwise give my attention to helping facilitate his recovery. The relationship is very complicated, and I don’t want to repeat patterns of being the caregiver, when my own needs are being compromised.
Here’s my special concern: In three weeks, I will have another ultrasound, to see if the possibly cancerous nodule on my thyroid has shrunk. To date, my response to the nodule has been a radical change in my diet. But for a number reasons – including financial and health-setback related — I did not end up actively doing other things I’d hoped to, such as guided imagery, meditation, prayer, and body work.
Now I’m scared. Three weeks. The clock is ticking. I cannot be doing things, engaging in things, that compromise my healing at this time. I need to be centered, positive, focused on healing thoughts for myself. I need to be surrounded by light. But how do I balance that essential need with other needs, like finishing my book proposal, finding the work I need to survive, and dealing with my dad’s ongoing struggle with pneumonia and the implications of that struggle’s outcome?
To add to matters, my apartment complex is doing tree cutting and pruning from this coming Tuesday through the first week of March. Meaning, I cannot be in my home and home office for the next couple of weeks, except in the evening hours. Which in turn means my ability to function, especially work, will be undermined. While I can take a few hours of cafe writing here and there, I really need an ergonomic office setup, so as to avoid getting all messed up from pain.
Regardless, I am redirecting my attention to one of self-healing. I am looking for accountability partners to help me stay disciplined on a few matters – daily dance, meditation, singing, exercising outdoors, visualization, and reading of self-healing books and affirmations. I need to keep bringing my attention back to what I can do, and do it.
I ask for your loving thoughts and healing energy to support my journey forward. If you are in Jewish prayer circles, my misheberach is “Loolwa bat Naomi.” Thank you.