I had the weirdest day today

By: Loolwa Khazzoom, Founder, Dancing with Pain

August 19th, 2010 • Living with Chronic PainPrint Print

I had the weirdest day today. I woke up feeling peaceful and positive, focused on my self-healing. Then I got a phone call that completely unnerved me – sending me back into the bad-things-keep-happening-to-you/something’s-wrong-with-you accusation hell I’d circled through for years and years. You know, on top of all the trauma I’d experienced.

That psychological turmoil ended up pulling my energies from self-healing and leaving me not only in jacked up pain, but also shaky. I called my mom to process the experience and let her know that I needed an energy healing boost. That’s when she pulled her own weirdness with me, turning my pain into a science experiment about her healing powers, and we ended up in a fight.

Feeling not only shaken up but also isolated, I then had to get in a car and drive to teach my weekly Dancing with Pain® basics class. For two weeks, only one person had showed up. So I changed the day for class last week. Then nobody showed up.

Fifteen minutes into class this time, I was alone in the studio once again, feeling quite depressed and crying about my miserable day thus far. Then I started thinking about cancelling the class altogether and just offering the occasional workshop. The Universe, it seemed, was telling me that people were not ready for a weekly class.

Right about then, a regular student walked in, expressing that she was in horrific levels of pain and very much looking forward to class. And guess what? From my perspective, it ended up being the best damn class I’ve ever taught.

The words were just there, welling from deep inside me. I didn’t even pull my cheat sheet out of my bag, never mind look at it. I wasn’t just talking to my student. I was talking to myself – offering guidance on connecting to the breath and the body; waving hello to the pain, then letting it fade into the background; inviting the naysayers in our minds to join us in a lovely dance; inviting the light inside us to expand ever so easily and fill up the darkness…

Not only did my student end up pain-free for an hour, as she told me after class, but I danced out all my demons; my ear in particular and head in general immediately and dramatically improved; and I could not help but smile from ear to ear as I pranced around the studio.

The session was, in fact, one of the most physically vigorous dance sessions I have ever danced. I was dancing on my head (literally), taking stabs at handstands, doing bridge poses (which were absolutely outside my limit for the loooongest time), and otherwise leaping all around the damn place.

After class, my student gave me a heartfelt expression of gratitude for creating the space and offering the guidance on self-love and self-healing and for sharing my can-do attitude. I told her that her feedback was very meaningful to me, but she had no idea how much. It really fucking made my day.

With a body and spirit that felt totally fabulous, I headed off to my state-of-the-art gym, for some R&R in the spa. I got buck naked and prepared for some deliciousness in the spa. But as I walked down the steps, something energetically did not feel right.

There was a woman across the jacuzzi who seemed to be staring at me intently, in a way that felt super invasive. Being that I didn’t have on my glasses to confirm if she was or was not in fact staring at me or if she was just spaced out, I closed my eyes and tried to block her out. But when I opened them, she seemed to be staring either at me or at a point just beyond me (or both), and, well, her energy was just weird.

So I got up and started leaving the Jacuzzi. I felt her eyes piercing me as I got out of the pool. Totally creepy. Especially considering that buck naked thing. I realized I was too hot to go into the steam room, and I did not want to lie down on my favorite lounge chair, because I’d be right in her line of site. “Aha!” I schemed. “I’ll lie on the lounge chair right behind her. Then she can’t look at me.”

I swear I felt her not only watch me but also register irritation. I was comfortably situated behind her and to her right for all of 10 seconds. She seemed agitated until she abruptly swiveled so that her back was facing me, but her head was facing sideways – ie, able to see me. “You’re fucking kidding me,” I thought.

She did all kinds of gestures, like she was getting the jet on this body part or that, but honestly, the energy just screamed stalker. And it was all of one minute before she swiveled around totally, facing me. Is there no peace for the battle-weary?

I got up. With the intention of placing my foot dangerously close to hers, so she could get a little jolt of fear that I was going to step on it. But I’m too fucking nice, so I ended up moving my foot out at the intending angle, but then flying it way out of reach of her hands. So that I just ended up putting my body at a bad angle, then obsessing about whether I’d pay for it.

Blech.

The thing about situations like this is, when it’s energetic, there’s no way to definitively hold someone accountable for their behavior. They can always claim that they were just [fill in the blank]. And even if she wasn’t staring at me per se, ie, if she were fixing her gaze at a point just beyond or above me, she still could totally be directing her energy at me, but I couldn’t hold her to it.

And then when it’s a woman, well, I’m from San Francisco and all, but it still feels totally confusing to me.

Anyhow, being all rattled from the morning conversation, I could hear judgments in my head, “You see, bad things are always happening to you,” which just added to my distress. Those judgments, which are a dime a dozen in the alternative health world, leave a choke-hold on the psyche, so that it feels dangerous to say anything about our life experience, lest it be food for more evaluation and unfavorable judgment.

By the time I came home, I was really a nervous mess. I ended up banging my knee and my head, burning my food, and then burning my tongue trying to eat my burned food.

As my Ashkenazi friends would say: Oy.

Now that was definitely something caused by my emotional state, no doubt about it. Which made me wonder: Perhaps it’s a matter of unsophisticated, formulaic thinking that makes people ask why things “keep happening”: Perhaps because emotional distress can unnerve us, which in turn can make us more vulnerable to accidents, people therefore decide that every single time there are accidents, at least over and above whatever quota they pre-determine based on lord knows what criteria, they chalk it up to spiritual malfunction?

Another post for another time. Meanwhile, I am so grateful for my blog and my writing. Because after sitting on my meditation cushion, crying, a complete and total mess, I picked my ass up off the floor, came to this here computer, and wrote a bunch of blog posts – which, lookie here! – will last the week.

You see? Everything does happen for a reason.



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