I live life somewhere in the cracks between able-bodied and disabled. Dance is an ever-present tool I can use to haul me out of the depths of pain, and given my relatively consistent use of it over the years, that pain is usually nonexistent or very mild.
That said, there are a lot of actions I take and behaviors I avoid, to keep the pain at bay, both in my home and out in the big bad world – certain angles I avoid, certain precautions I take (like not shaking someone’s hand). I am profoundly in touch with my body and can pre-empt when something will hurt – enabling me to avoid it altogether.
I am in process, on the healing path. The more I invest in this path, the stronger I am and the stronger I have faith I will be over time. That said, I have lots of grief, anger, sadness, over what I have lost, what I cannot do at this time, or in a wildly-abandoned way that I want to do it.
Altogether, it feels hard to talk about my experience here on this blog, because while I am communicating to the Universe at large, I know that people are reading and thinking and responding, and I want what I experience to make sense in the way I express it. But how can that be the case when people do not know me or the particulars of my circumstance, or when they have preconceived notions, black and white ideas, of what it means to be able-bodied or disabled, or what it means to experience or be free from pain?