I want to eat. As in, stuff random food into my mouth, until I am numbed out. There is a wise saying, “If you want to find out why you’re eating, put down the fork.”
So before picking up a fork, I asked myself that question. My answer was this: I want to soothe the discomfort and pain in my body. I think instead, since I’m looking for comfort, I’ll take a hot shower and ice my thigh/groin area, which is feeling inflamed.
I was doing just fine today, before going to Trader Joe’s, to fill up my empty refrigerator. I always shop there when it’s about half an hour before closing time, because there are hardly any people in the aisles. In this branch, however, despite the lack of “traffic,” those who were in the store were careening around at breakneck speed.
Oh yeah, and they were primarily the employees. So I was dodging carts of produce, pairs of customer service representatives, and the random shoppers in-between the uniformed people.
It doesn’t take much to activate my pain places – just a little twist here or there. There is so much going in my body, and my nerves are so jacked up, that I need to move very precisely. Otherwise, things get whacked out of place, and I end up in pain.
I feel as if I’m on the cusp of becoming an obnoxious traffic controller everywhere I go. Heck, I might as well buy one of those cute little orange whistles and start blowing it when people come at me. I tried out the role a little bit this evening, actually. I pulled the cart over to get some milk, and this guy behind started coming at me, as if I were not standing there. I put my hand out in a “stop” gesture. He did.
The thing is, I have been in avoidance mode, because I cannot risk someone slamming into me. I cannot risk that someone will not respect or understand what I’m trying to communicate, while I am standing around trying to control his behavior.
If someone slams into me, I will feel the impact for days, weeks, or months after. The pain I feel tonight is nothing like what I would have felt if someone actually did make physical contact. Even a stupid bump leaves me in pain.
It’s a conundrum. At least that word is cool.
My question is, why is everyone rushing around like such crazy maniacs? Where is everyone going that they can’t be bothered to pause for, I don’t know, five seconds, to give someone the courtesy and space we each deserve? Don’t even get me started on the driving I see every day. It’s shameful. I mean, seriously, it’s a blatant disregard for human life. How did we end up here as a society?