My Big Fat Loud-Mouthed Jewish Punk-Assed Self Is Back

By: Loolwa Khazzoom, Founder, Dancing with Pain

October 2nd, 2009 • Living with Chronic PainPrint Print

I used to confront fucked up things head on. Talk about them, write about them, smash bottles (outdoors) in response to them, yell from my gut (also outdoors) about them, organize actions in response to them, confront people directly about them… The thing is, while all those behaviors released the yucky energy and replaced it with sparkly, pure, fresh, joyful, child-like energy, it also took a lot of discipline and core, raw energy to respond and release in the first place.

And there is just so much shit to respond to in the world, I became exhausted. So then I tried letting things go. Especially when I was confronted with an onslaught of medical insanity. Because how the hell can you respond to all that shit, one thing after a-fucking-nother, especially when you’re down for the count and trying to somehow survive and move forward in life, despite it all?

Letting things go, my ass. I don’t know if some people actually do truly let it go, and I just don’t have the personality compatible with that approach, or if letting it go simply means not dealing with it – the latter of which translates into allowing gunk to accumulate and fester inside.

Maybe it’s the social activist in me. Maybe it’s the scribe in me. I don’t know. But this letting go bullshit has not worked. I want out. As in I want it out. I want to be loud and brash and in people’s faces about the horror known as our health care system. I want to tell my story in its raw, unedited, dark, miserable form. Because that is exactly what the experience was: Dark and miserable.

I no longer care what all the New Age, hippy-dippy, pop-culture, Law of Attraction, pseudo-Buddhists have to say. Bring it on. My big fat loud-mouthed Jewish punk-assed self is back. Justice, justice shall ye pursue, so kiss my chronic pain ass.

Oh yeah and one more thing: Being angry and confronting shit and writing it raw does not in any way take away from healing in the highest form of mind-body consciousness. Not only are the two not mutually exclusive, but one actually supports the other. It is by ripping the gag out of my mouth that I release the shackles from my spirit. Only when Spirit is free do we have the unobstructed energy to heal.

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